Because I’m worth it – Why it’s Time to stop putting up with Things.

My childhood in a nutshell: “Don't talk back, be quiet, now you'll get what you deserve!”
Spoiler alert: If you want to rob a young person completely of their self-worth, self-confidence, optimism, and standing, then these are the precise words to use. Probably chosen by adults whose ability to communicate and deal with emotions has been impaired since their own childhood. What does that do to you? It turns you into a yes-man, a doormat, an intimidated wallflower who, at the end of the day, actually thinks they really don't deserve any better. If you're worthless, you don't deserve anything. Saying no, setting boundaries, doing something good for yourself—not possible because you don't deserve it. Makes sense.
 
Does this sound familiar? Then you've come to the right place. Because we're not putting up with this anymore! Why? Because you are worth something – a lot, in fact. Come on, let's open the treasure chest of your beautiful self and take a look. You don't have the key? Someone else has it? Then let's take it back! 

“Here's your order,” the waiter calls out cheerfully and hectically and slides my tray over the counter to me. I look at it. Not at the waiter, but at the tray. That's not quite what I had ordered. I actually wanted rice instead of pasta, and I had specifically left out the tomato soup because I don't care much for it and wanted to save the money. Now it's here—and on my bill.

Say something, say something, you have to say something now! my mind shouts. Just tell him you ordered something else and ask if he can change it.

I don't say anything. I take the tray, sit down in the back corner of the cafe, and eat. Something I didn't want and don't even like. For money I didn't want to spend on it. At the same time, I'm angry with myself and ashamed. For how small I am feeling and for failing once again to do what seems natural to other people: standing up for myself in a completely mundane everyday situation.

But how natural is that really? We often feel that everyone else around us is super confident and successful. Or is it perhaps that only very few people are like that, but they are making so much noise that it feels like they are many? Could it even be that this noise is often a rather crumbly facade, like a play that falls apart when the curtain or filter on social media drops?

Through my jobs in the media industry and through my travels, I have met people from many different fields, countries, and cultures throughout my life. My first impression was often: Wow, they are so open, strong, and courageous! And do you know what happened every single time I got to know these people a little closer? They told me how they constantly have self-doubts, feel small, cry frequently and don't know what to do. How they are often ashamed of something, insecure, and wish they could finally do what they really want to do instead of just letting life pass them by.
There were even several situations where I said, “Wow, and I thought you were totally self-confident!” And the response was, “Like you? No, unfortunately, I'm not like that.”

So, do we all walk around blindly with a bush of cauliflower on our necks, constantly overestimating others and underestimating ourselves?

I would simply say: yes. 

A lot of shitty self-confidence comes from the years when we were belittled by relatives, classmates, teachers—intentionally or unintentionally. You are so incapable! Are you stupid? Look at yourself! That's not gonna work! Why don't you do something real? I'm not supporting you because I don't believe in you, I don't want you to do something that's different from what I've been doing all my life. Those are the rules. Tough luck. Work harder. You're naive. I'm jealous of you, so I'm keeping you down. Pah. 

Almost anyone who is subjected to such a barrage will inevitably melt down to a point where you give in, like a cardboard box in the rain. Just so that the words stop, that there might be silence for a moment. Peace. So that at the end of a long day, you might receive at least a a small bit of praise, or love. So that at least something feels kinda good. 

You forget your dreams, your plans, your self—the awareness that you were not born as compost waste, but as a flower seed full of potential, with gifts, talents, and ideas. But if the seed is trampled, put in the dark, and never watered, it cannot sprout.

Note: that is not the fault of the seed. 

So here's a very important message: it's not your fault. And you're not alone. Hundreds of thousands of people secretly feel the same way you do—the person behind you at the checkout, your neighbor, the driver in front of you, your colleagues, your boss, your friends, and the people you can't stand. Because we've all experienced similar things in life—too little sunlight, too much trampling. But hardly anyone talks about it—no one wants to make themselves even more vulnerable. 
So is everything predetermined and over? Absolutely not! Because you are a perennial. Huh, what does that mean?

"Due to their natural characteristics, perennials retreat into their root balls during the winter months. When we ship these, it is therefore to be expected that the perennials will not have the appearance of colorful greenhouse plants. If delivered before spring, it may appear as if you have received nothing more than a pot filled with soil. After planting in spring, the plant will sprout new growth from these roots, from the base, from the wood.“ That's what it said on the package insert that came with the plant delivery from the nursery where I recently ordered something for my garden. I was taken aback. The pot was indeed ”empty." Dude, there is supposed to be a whole flowering bush in there? Are you kidding me?

And then there was a whole flowering bush in there! Spring came and the plant literally went crazy. Leaves, stems, roots, flowers, color, life! 
Just because a seed can't bloom right away doesn't mean its potential is dead. Sometimes it's just winter. Sometimes it's a very, very long winter, and only we ourselves can end it. Because no one else will.  
So take your inner root ball and put it in the sun. It's full of unique traits, talents, and dreams—it's all already there. You can water it, laugh, be silly, be embarrassing, blossom, try things out, fail, believe in yourself, not give a damn about anyone else, say no, say stop, close the door, open it again on the other side, rage, burn, be quiet, find peace, just be there. Be consciously present with a self that no longer puts up with things—because you have always been worth it, your whole life long.